A better me.

When was the last time you were disappointed in yourself? I mean truly disappointed.

And we’re not talking disappointed in yourself for buying underwear sizes too small and you couldn’t return it (even though they put it with the underwear that was your size! Ok, off my soap box).

I’m not even talking about disappointment when you let opportunities slip away like your chance at a free sandwich at your favorite restaurant (STILL upset over that one).

I’m talking about disappointment when you let yourself down. That was me yesterday. I was not my best self. I was “High School Sarah.” The one that liked to gossip and find entertainment in the drama around me. Yup, that was me, sad to say. I guess I’m a gossiper in recovery.

Anyway, I felt I had been so good – avoiding topics that could lead to gossip, changing the subject if it came up. It was something that I had been conscientiously working on for years. Not saying that I never did it. Like I said, I’m in recovery.

Well I guess I could blame it on “The Bachelor.” Have you SEEN that show? It’s hilarious. And dumb. At the same time. But perfect for that bit of girl time you wanted with your BFF. Lucky for me, since  we don’t have cable or dish, my neighbor DVR’d it (since she didn’t have the time to watch it) and invited me to watch it with her. Heck yes – I’m all for laughing at the silly antics girls do to get the guy’s attention. Or the camera’s. Whatever it is.

Anyway, so in the middle of watching it (and after hearing tons of “OMG, she’s so (insert whatever negative phrase).” “Oh I can’t believe she’s doing that.” “Oh she has a personality disorder. I hate her,” my friend turns to me and says, “Oh, do I have a funny story for you!” She launches into this story about a woman we both know and yes, it wasn’t very nice.

And do you know what I do? I join her. Because I have a story to go along with that one of the same woman EVEN THOUGH I had a nagging little thought that said, “Don’t do it, Sarah, you’re better than that.” I went right ahead and totally ignored that little thought.

Hours later, I was thinking it over and realized what I had done. I felt terrible. I had let myself down. It was a few short moments of laughter and fun for what?

Now you’re probably thinking I’m making a bigger deal of this than I should. Well, if you’ve ever been an addict in recovery, you know relapses are tough and difficult. Sometimes they throw hard curves that make shaking it harder than if you never did. Also, that little moment marked my character, tarnishing it. It’s going to take a lot of cleaning to make it look beautiful again. I don’t want to be known as someone who will take pleasure in laughing at others’ expense. That is not me nor who I want to be. 

So today? I'm going to be a better me. And I'll listen to those nagging thoughts that come around because I need all the help I can get.