Friday, April 24, 2015

My trip down the infertility path

I've been seeing a lot of chatter on social media with National Infertility Awareness Week. I want to share some of my thoughts regarding this.

You may be surprised to know that even though we have our two awesome little boys, we are struggling with growing our family. I'm not sure why yet or what the cause is, but it's interesting when the doctor labels you as "infertile." I wasn't even sure I could qualify for that label, but going 2 years without another baby makes it so. One year is the cut off date where they start calling you infertile.

I would say I've had a range of emotions, but I've come to deal with it and handle it as a timing thing.
I've seen so many others struggle with this to finally see their little miracles being born that something greater than science is at work here.  I wish I could go back in time to every single couple and tell them that eventually they will have their little bundle of joy. I of course know that it's not true for everyone but for those whose wishes have come true - see! It was all about timing! And seeing that and knowing that, I am at peace with my situation. I know we as a family aren't complete yet and that there are more yet to come to our family.


Knowing God's grand design and His desire for us to have families, have joy and to return to Him makes this struggle so much easier to handle. I know that He is in control. Thank goodness He is, because I would just mess it up, if it were all up to me.

Right now, I want to use this time to become a better mom. Back a few months ago, I was struggling and at a low point with being a good mom. I was yelling a lot and clashing with my boys. It brought me to tears, but it humbled me too. I think that God was using that tough time to tell me that I can be better. That He wants me to be better. One night, I imagined a little child, a spirit, watching me, watching what I do and how I react to my boys' disasters and thought, would that child want to come to our home? Would he or she want me to be his or her mommy? The answer brought reality and humility. This time is preparatory for me to "prove" to that spirit (or spirits) that this is the best home they could come to, that they would be loved and cared for and nurtured.

I'm still working on it, but I'm humbled and grateful that God gave me that small heads up to what He wanted me to accomplish in this time before the next one joins our family.

My mom advised me to enjoy whatever station of life I'm in and not to be constantly looking forward to "better times." Although I do look forward to a new baby, a new spirit in our home and preparing for that, I'm going to enjoy my boys in the now. I'm going to enjoy Adam's increasing vocabulary ("Be careful, mom, that's fragile.") and I'm going to enjoy Jacob's 2 and a half year old hilarity and constantly wanting to be with me and work with me. Soon enough I won't have time to spend with them taking care of a newborn or have the energy to run and play because I'm pregnant.

And until that happens, I will be content. The present is a gift. I better use it well.