What next?

While this isn't a religious blog and I haven't posted here in over a year, I have felt several times that I needed to express my feelings on a couple of issues that I've seen come up a few times in the past little while. 

One was the "pants movement"  where some LDS women peacefully demonstrated their desire for equality in the church and now, an issue has cropped up with breastfeeding moms and whether it's appropriate to not cover up or leave to feed their child during church meetings.

As I've read these articles and comments regarding these issues, my first reactions have been less than Christ-like. Then I repent and start over, feeling sadness for individuals who end up leaving the church because of hurtful comments or judgments by others. My sadness also stems from so much conflict that is happening among the members of the church.

Christ counseled this when he visited the Nephites on the American continent after His resurrection:

For verily, verily I say unto you, he that hath the spirit of contention is not of me, but is of the devil, who is the father of contention, and he stirreth up the hearts of men to contend with anger, one with another. 

Behold, this is not my doctrine, to stir up the hearts of men with anger, one against another; but this is my doctrine, that such things should be done away.

I'm know conflict among church members is not a new thing. With social media so prevalent  it's easy to see more and more of this and take sides, criticize and condemn. Thus, both sides, whether right or wrong, are both in the wrong as offense is taken and Christ-like feelings and charity go out the window.

This part causes me to exclaim in exasperation, "Really?" As the time comes closer when the Savior comes again, we as members should strengthen our grip on the Iron Rod, study the scriptures harder than ever, serve each other and have greater patience with those different from us and recognize and avoid Satan's tactics to try to deceive us.

Aren't we all in this together? Shouldn't we be understanding of the struggling mother who has multiple children with her and a husband on the stand who needs to feed her screaming infant? Can't we (as mothers) understand that it might be uncomfortable for others if we didn't cover up while nursing at church? What about the women who feel they are looked down upon because they are women? Instead of seeking to be right, let's focus on being like Christ. Trust me, I know this is hard. I have my struggles with imperfection, but I have faith in the Atonement and it's enabling power to lift me higher. And because I know the Savior's Atonement is for everyone, I can have patience for those who struggle just like me.

A better me.

When was the last time you were disappointed in yourself? I mean truly disappointed.

And we’re not talking disappointed in yourself for buying underwear sizes too small and you couldn’t return it (even though they put it with the underwear that was your size! Ok, off my soap box).

I’m not even talking about disappointment when you let opportunities slip away like your chance at a free sandwich at your favorite restaurant (STILL upset over that one).

I’m talking about disappointment when you let yourself down. That was me yesterday. I was not my best self. I was “High School Sarah.” The one that liked to gossip and find entertainment in the drama around me. Yup, that was me, sad to say. I guess I’m a gossiper in recovery.

Anyway, I felt I had been so good – avoiding topics that could lead to gossip, changing the subject if it came up. It was something that I had been conscientiously working on for years. Not saying that I never did it. Like I said, I’m in recovery.

Well I guess I could blame it on “The Bachelor.” Have you SEEN that show? It’s hilarious. And dumb. At the same time. But perfect for that bit of girl time you wanted with your BFF. Lucky for me, since  we don’t have cable or dish, my neighbor DVR’d it (since she didn’t have the time to watch it) and invited me to watch it with her. Heck yes – I’m all for laughing at the silly antics girls do to get the guy’s attention. Or the camera’s. Whatever it is.

Anyway, so in the middle of watching it (and after hearing tons of “OMG, she’s so (insert whatever negative phrase).” “Oh I can’t believe she’s doing that.” “Oh she has a personality disorder. I hate her,” my friend turns to me and says, “Oh, do I have a funny story for you!” She launches into this story about a woman we both know and yes, it wasn’t very nice.

And do you know what I do? I join her. Because I have a story to go along with that one of the same woman EVEN THOUGH I had a nagging little thought that said, “Don’t do it, Sarah, you’re better than that.” I went right ahead and totally ignored that little thought.

Hours later, I was thinking it over and realized what I had done. I felt terrible. I had let myself down. It was a few short moments of laughter and fun for what?

Now you’re probably thinking I’m making a bigger deal of this than I should. Well, if you’ve ever been an addict in recovery, you know relapses are tough and difficult. Sometimes they throw hard curves that make shaking it harder than if you never did. Also, that little moment marked my character, tarnishing it. It’s going to take a lot of cleaning to make it look beautiful again. I don’t want to be known as someone who will take pleasure in laughing at others’ expense. That is not me nor who I want to be. 

So today? I'm going to be a better me. And I'll listen to those nagging thoughts that come around because I need all the help I can get.